Standardized Answers to Common Forum Questions

I love pet forums. I learn a great deal from them, and enjoy the exchange of ideas. I participate in several, and lurk in several more. I have forced myself to take a few days off from them lately, however, because it was starting to feel like all the posts were fitting in the same few categories across all forums. I wish there were just stickies on every forum to answer the most annoying threads in advance.

“Do I need to see a vet?”
Yes! The answer is always yes. Every time someone asks that question, the answer is yes. Just take the animal to the vet.

“Is this a good food?”
There are premium foods, a couple almost-premium foods, and a bunch of crappy foods. If you are feeding a premium or almost-premium then you know it. If you aren’t, either switch or live with it.

“Should I call Animal Control?”
Yes.

“My landlord is such a jerk!”
Yes, renting with pets sucks. I am sorry.” <hug>

“I am running a home-based rescue from the laundry basket in my closet, and my neighbor reported me for not having a proper license. Isn’t my neighbor a jerk?”
No, your neighbor isn’t a jerk. You are an idiot.

“I am not a breeder, but my pet had a litter and…”
If your pet had a litter, you are a breeder. Your pet bred. See how that works? Now shut up and get your animal fixed, but don’t bother us with your crap.

“I know this is against the clearly posted forum rules, but is it OK if I…”
No.

“I am 40 years old and live in my mother’s basement. I don’t have a job. I weigh 700 pounds and I smoke 2 packs of Camel non-filters a day. What kind of dog should I get?”
You can’t take care of yourself, why would you think you can take care of a dog? If you must have a pet, get a cricket.

“How can I keep my dog from barking? I leave it alone in a yard all day with no shelter or toys, and it barks at passers-by, especially when it rains. What do I do? Should I get another dog to keep it company?”
Your dog is bored. Try getting 4 or 5 more dogs to keep it company. No, wait, you aren’t taking care of the dog you have, so DON”T GET MORE… buy your dog some toys, let it be inside, hire a dog walker, take it to doggie day care, blah blah blah blah blah…

“Why does my dog bark and whine when it is in its crate home alone for 8,9,10 hours?”
You may crate your dog at night when you are home, or for 4 hours maximum otherwise. Even then, it takes training. That is why they call it crate TRAINING. See how that works? Get a book, see a trainer, whatever. Stop neglecting your dog by over-crating it.

“My special, amazing, oh-so-sweet pet guppy, with a natural lifespan of 12 months, is 11 months old and needs a $12,000 pectoral fin surgery so she can swim in a straight line again. I am a single parent living on SSI. Will you please help me pay for this surgery?”
That is very sad. 4 million healthy dogs were euthanized in US shelters last year. I have never met you or your guppy. Do you see where this answer is heading?

“Read this link about breed X attacking a child. Don’t you all agree now that breed X is dangerous, since I linked that article?”
No, none of us agree. People don’t change their minds on this issue because of one attack, or ten attacks, because cause and effect doesn’t work that way. You are a troll.

“I found a stray salamander in the pond behind my house. Is anyone missing their salamander?”
This is a global forum. World-wide. All nations, all over the world. This forum reaches more nations than the United Nations has members. See where I am going here? Lost and found belongs, you know, in your LOCAL COMMUNITY FORUMS.

“Why are you guys all so mean?”
Because we are too busy hanging out in on-line forums to have any actual human friends. It makes us cranky.

I could go on like this all night…

6 thoughts on “Standardized Answers to Common Forum Questions

  1. I think you may have stuffed up your blog hop URL (just for your information).

    But this is a great list! So true! I’ve shared it with one of my favourite online forums – I’m sure they will appreciate it, too.

  2. Thanks for visiting our blog…I’m so glad you did because it brought me to this absolutely hilarious (and right-on) post. I’m always shocked by those who describe seriously horrendous symptoms their dog is displaying and they’re asking if they should see their vet. It’s frightening to read the questions people ask!

  3. This just cracked me up! Brilliant. I am a more or less active member of a few pet forums myself, and have seen this kind of questions on all of them. Never quite seen the same answers, though 😀 Although I’m sure I’ve thought the same as you on a few occassions.

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